What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 10:30
I will be 64.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So, i spoilt her more .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is soul school!.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why cant a narcissist admit when they are wrong?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I couldn’t, believe it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im still living with it.
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It was going to be , some day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We all went to grammer schools
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ive learnt so much.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She married twice! .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We were not on the streets..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He resisted the act ,that day.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One cannot live in the past .
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was scared of men, in general
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was 9 years of age.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My life is so biszare .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I said to her
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I have no regrets .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Who then, do I blame.?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She found it foreign!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
What did i know ?
Comes on , in middle age.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
All the time i was locked up.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But, we were locked up after school.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So whats the point in blame.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I don,t even have a pension.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was in good health!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was very sick at this time too.
He knew the spot.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
(And it was in our own minds.)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I never cut or harmed myself..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I think the readers, may guess!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i lived it daily.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Was to survive, this bastard.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She loved him until the end.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I waited trembling.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My family never makes their pension either.
Would this be the day?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was seconnd youngest,
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Especially a lifetime of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.